One month

I can believe it, but it's been one month. One month since my entire world changed. I don't know how a whole month could have passed. I always assumed life would stop when Mommy died - how was I supposed to go on without her? But, I've been functioning surprisingly normally this month. That's not to say it has been easy. Today was an exceptionally difficult day in terms of functioning like a normal human being. And,  I do  find myself occasionally crying hysterically in the car in a parking garage for no good reason (Wednesday's fun and excitement), but I actually get up everyday (I won't say morning - late nights make for late days) and I go about my business. That business has been very busy, andt's just going to get busier - I go back to school tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about that. They had hired someone to fill in until Easter Break, but she ended up taking another job. So, I got calls telling me to "Take your time," with the "we're really stuck without a sub" in parentheses. I can see it from their perspective, but I feel a little played. When Daddy died 3 1/2 years ago, the State Department was quite honest about being a heartless beaurocracy, calling me AWOL and ordering me back to Mexico. It was upsetting (and eye-opening), but at least I knew where I stood. Here, I get a bit of a feeling like the burden in being put on me - my sense of responsibility won't let me leave the students in the lurch (and they know it). I'm not saying the  calls from school were not genuinely to see how I'm doing, but that they were not entirely to see how I'm doing. And I know I have an obligation to my job - and a need for my job! So back I go.

And, once I go back, the all-consuming world of school takes over, and there won't be time for anything else. I think I'm going to get really overwhelmed, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it all. I'm worried that Arabic class will take the brunt of it, and I really want to do well in that class. But, there's want and need, and I need to get my work done at school, and at home. Keith and I are now actually talking about putting the house on the market after Easter - way soon, but there have been developments. I've been looking for apartments, like Mom and I were before she died, and I'm waiting to hear on one I've offered on. I feel like, parting with the house will be difficult no matter when I do it - it will be no easier next year than now, and in the meantime, it's too much. Too much to take care of, too much to come home too, empty and alone. I need a fresh start. The apartment will give me that. I just hope Mommy doesn't think I'm moving too fast, or I'm forgetting her. I don't think she will - I know she wanted the apartment for me, that she thought it would be good for me, and she didn't want me burdened with this house. It will be tough, though, the day I know I can never enter this house again. And it's harder because I may be away for the entire fall, if the Fulbright goes through.

Well, anyway, despite the ups and downs of the last month, I'm actually doing pretty well. Now, if I can manage to do all my work, get the house ready for sale, close on  apartment and lose 50 pounds by the end of August, I can fly off to England very content! Some of those things might be harder than others.