Well, I would have liked to write a post on Mom's actual birthday last Thursday, but it was an exhausting and emotionally trying week. I started back at work this week. It was awkward because there was a lot of attention. And, since I'm used to being invisible, that was a little tough. It was also somewhat beautiful. The girls were so welcoming - they really seemed happy to have me back. Girls would shriek and run down the hall to hug me - I don't suppose that kind of thing is an act to get an A! The faculty were very welcoming too, although there are still a few pitying glances. Now that the overt attention has faded, hopefully those glances will too. I know it's all well meaning, but it's exactly what I had worried would happen as soon as people knew what was happening. As long as I can fade away into obscurity again soon, I can handle it in the meantime. As for the uncomfortable reception from the powers that be, well, par for the course.
The worst part of the week, though, was that Keith and I had a huge fight. It was over the cleanup again. He threw out some things I had set aside to save, and it deteriorated into a shouting match, which left me sobbing in my room, feeling like I had been torn apart. I can't seem to make him understand how lost I feel so much of the time, and how I can't just throw Mom and Dad's lives away. We are getting rid of a lot, but I need to save some things that I know seem irrational. That night, I felt like the world was spinning out of control, and losing those little bits of paper, made feel like I was losing everything. I know it's not really about the paper - those scraps of things are a connection. With every thing that gets thrown away, the connection seems to weaken. Yet, I'm reasonable, I think. I'm not trying to keep everything - not even close. But, it's 5 weeks, not 5 months or 5 years and, if I want to keep something in a bin for 30 years because knowing I have it comforts me, then I'll keep it in a bin. Keith can't make that decision for me. The fight did not linger - it was important to me that it be addressed before Mommy's birthday, so I sent Keith an email. I don't think he quite got what I was trying to say in the email, but it's fine now. And, in retrospect, I think I know why he got so upset so easily - last week was payroll week, which is always stressful.
We went to Harvest for Mom's birthday. It felt a little wrong being there without them, but it actually turned out to be a really nice evening - and just the celebration of her life we needed. And, though Tuesday night was the worst night I've had since she died (it's the first time I begged her to come back), Thursday might have been one of the best. And, yesterday, we all (Louie included) managed to spend the day cleaning without lunging at each other's throats, so, progress!
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