Alone in a Foreign Land

It’s a pretty melodramatic title, I know. But I was being pretty melodramatic over the last few days. I’m in Greece right now, a trip I booked several weeks ago. I’ve been really looking forward to the trip. But, in the couple of days before leaving, I started obsessing over this being the first time I would be traveling in a foreign country by myself. Pause, think about that . . . yes, I eventually realized how stupid that was given the fact that I LIVE in a foreign country by myself. And, this isn’t even the first time I’ve done that! I am living and working in England, dealing with Ofsted and rude, presumptuous children. I lived and worked in Mexico, dealing with assassinations of police chiefs, sixteen-year-olds shooting up nightclubs, and narcos leaving severed heads on the front steps of City Hall in Acapulco (and rolling them onto the floor of a nightclub in Chihuahua). And I’m worried about Greece?

It’s funny because I would not have called myself an adventurous person. I tend to think of myself as fairly conservative, but if I were to objectively assess my life, I have taken a lot of risks and done a lot of adventurous things. I mean, I’m not talking skydiving types of risks (no way on God’s Green Earth), or Behind Enemy Lines types of risks, but I’ve lived abroad three times (I was a Foreign Service Officer for Pete’s sake!), and I’ve lived in Boston and Washington. I bought a piece of Manhattan real estate on my own (a strange and daring adventure all on its own). I’ve sent my work out to publishers and TV producers, and handled the subsequent rejection (and occasional minor success). I’ve chatted with Oscar-winning directors and actors because I figured I had nothing to lose (thanks Danny Boyle, et al!). And all this is from the girl who, at seventeen, was too scared to go from NY to Boston for college (made it there eventually for grad school!)

So, what turned the 17-year-old girl afraid to leave home into the nearly 37-year-old citizen of the world? So many things. Obviously as I grew older, I grew more confident (in some things, anyway!). And, I grew stronger. Mom and Dad were a huge part of that. They never pushed, but they always encouraged. When I couldn’t go to Boston, they made sure I didn’t need to. When I wanted to go to Oxford, and was, truly, terrified at the thought of being so far away, they supported me and left the ultimate decision to me. I remember people saying, “The girl who couldn’t go to Boston is going to England?” And I told them, “I can’t get Oxford in New York.” That was a turning point for me. I realized that, if I really wanted something, I had to take a risk and, if I didn’t take that risk, I would wonder “What if?” for the rest of my life. So I took the risk. It wasn’t easy. I was lonely, I never quite fit in with my peer group (especially when I was living with a bunch of pot-heads), and we spent a fortune on phone calls home. But it was an experience I still value today. And, it conquered that last fear of being away from home. Everything else was (relatively) easy after that.

So then, why was I scared to travel to Greece alone? Well, on one of my soul-searching walks along the Thames (very useful walks, actually, more on them another time), it finally hit me. It had nothing to do with fear of being in another country on my own – that was simple displacement. No, what this anxiety was about was something very, very different. This is the first time I have taken a trip like this without Mommy. This is something we would have done together. In fact, there were two separate occasions on which we were supposed to come to Greece, but plans fell through. A little over a year ago, if I were to have been planning this trip it would have, without question, been with her. And now, it’s on my own. The sense of loss is palpable. I should be doing this with her. Today, we should have been gazing from the hills of Delphi and marveling at what it must have been like in all it’s glory, envisioning being one of the faithful coming to the oracle for a prediction (btw, I didn’t realize the oracle was the place, not the person). We would have drunk in the atmosphere and reveled in the fact that we were treading the same ground as the Ancient Greeks thousands of years ago. Instead, I was doing that, but alone.

That’s the thing, though, isn’t it? That’s what this year+ has been about – figuring out who I am without my parents, and particularly without my best friend. They are still an incredible presence in my life, but it’s times like this when I really feel the fact that their presence is within me now, not beside me. I’m grateful for having that strong sense of them being with me, but sometimes, I really just want to talk to them like I used to. And to hug them. But, as cliché as it sounds, Life goes on. And, though I would not have thought it possible last year, life is good. School kinda sucks, but life is good! And, unbelievably, it keeps moving forward. And that’s all because the girl who couldn’t go to Boston went to England (and Greece!)

Sheep and Cows and Kings, Oh My!

Well, the past couple of weeks have been a bit rough. With all of the difficulties, though, I'm reminded that I have a wonderful group of colleagues around me, and I'm very lucky. They've all been very welcoming, and supportive, and have been there for me while everything has been going on at home. And, they don't need to - they hardly know me. But, that's the type of people they are. I'm very grateful for my colleagues, because some of the recent experiences I've had would have been totally unbearable without that support. But, those issues can hold for another time. I thought I'd just jot a quick note about a nice little visit Cali, Brooke and I had to my colleague Alan's home in Kent. It was a bit of adventure, actually. First, Cali and Brooke had their first ever train ride. They did well at Victoria Station, and we got a section of a car to ourselves on the train. We lucked out in that the ticket collector on the train was a dog lover, so she played with them and didn't mind them moving around a bit. Cali's usual snarkiness took hold at some stations, as she chose to growl at people on the platform through the window. Basically, for the whole ride, no one sat in our section! I have some cute pictures of them looking out the windows of the train (one of these days, I'll figure out how to insert pictures). When we got to Alan's house, they settled in pretty well, and then we went for a long country walk - another first for those two city dogs. I mean, they love Friends Lake, but that's not the same as the rolling English countryside. It was beautiful and, aside from one minor tiff with another dog, they did really well. When they met some sheep for the first time, they were very curious. Brooke gave a couple of experimental barks, but then settled for sniffing through the fence. I was a little concerned they might think the lambs were chew toys (they have a stuffed lamb from Stratford), but they did fine.

We didn't get too close to the Blank Angus cows, but I did see Cali and Brooke eyeing them cautiously. We stopped for a respite at the top of a hill and they drank some water and looked around curiously, and then we had another break at Chartwell, Winston Churchill's house, where we sat at a table outside and I had a coke. The two of them were too busy checking everyone out to have any water at that point. Cali had a couple of grumpy moments. Then we walked back, through the woods and across the fields. I really thought they'd get tired, but they seemed like they could go on forever. Made me feel a little bad that they spend so much time cooped up in the flat. They seemed so free and happy. Of course, their freedom had its restrictions - I didn't let them off the extension leashes. Alan's daughter Julia did a very commendable job of managing Brooke, while I handled Cali, and we worked out a rhythm of weaving back and forth to untangle the two maniacs!

Back at the house, after a late lunch (expertly prepared by Julia and Rebecca), Alan introduced me to the game of Kings - a simple, medieval game of strategy, using nothing more than wooden sticks and blocks, that is surprisingly addictive. It was a lot of fun, but I got the impression that Cali and Brooke wanted to try their hand at it, since Brooke kept knocking the blocks down with her lead. Then the train ride back - I expected them to be exhausted, but I guess there were too many exciting things to see. They got a lot of attention while we waited on the platform, and then the car was crowded, so we had to share space. Cali was snarky a couple of times, but overall, they did quite well, and we made it home without incident. I imagine they were quite overwhelmed with all the new things they saw and did, but I was quite proud of them (considering all the horrors I had envisioned!). Who knows, I may just take them out again! :)