Blizzards and Bum Knees

Not having a grea night. I'm not even sure exactly why. I suddenly feel so down. I had a nice afternoon - went to Lunch with Luke. Didn't do much when I came home - watched the USA/Canada hockey game, created some assignments for my students todo this week while I'm out, did some laundry. Watched a bit of Dr. Who. Now I'm watching the closing ceremonies. Maybe that's part of it. The sense of ending - these games were a distraction for the last 17 days - I've had them to watch every night since I've had to be alone in this house. After tonight, they're done - and I go back to the regular routine. Only the regular routine is not the same anymore. When I sit and watch my regular shows, I'll be watching them by myself. It's no, of course, about the TV shows - it's about the little moments in life that I can no longer share with the most important person in my world.

And, as I write this, Brooke has just bounded up from bed and hobbled out of the room barking. I say hobbled, because she did have the knee surgery - in the middle of the blizzard on Friday (21 inches of snow, and I took my dog to the vet for orthopedic surgery). I think this has me a bit down, because I don't know if I'm taking good enough care of her. She's not resting the leg - she jumps up on the window seat and sofa and down again. Now it's a bit red and swollen. I'm afraid she's going to do permanent damage, and  don't know how to stop her. She won't eat (except cookies and bully sticks) and I haven't seen her drink much water, except what I tried to get in with a syringe. She looks at me and whines, but I can't seem to give her what she needs. I feel like Mom would know what to do, and I'm totally lost. And, if I can't take care of  a crazy Yorkie with a bum knee, and gloomy schnauzer with weight issues, how am I ever going to take care of human kids? I always assumed that Mommy would be here when I had kids - that she'd show me how to do it right (the way she did it). But, now I have to figure all of that out on my own. And I haven't got the first clue about raising kids (not that it's a pressing issue right now).

The sense of being overwhelmed is growing too. One more week before I go back to school, and then who knows what I'll do - there won't be time for anything. And, naturally, I haven't gotten a fraction of the things done that I need to - in part because it's just so much, and, honestly, in part because of a passive aggression that just doesn't want to do it. Oh, and I have Arabic homework to do. So, right now, I'll finish the Closing Cermonies (on TiVo), watch another 3 or so episodes of Dr. Who (what am I going to do without it when I'm done?), and continue my passive aggressive avoidance tactics.

Do they make yorkie-sized crutches?

Sometimes, I think they created the expression "kick me while I'm down" just for me. How else do you explain the last 3 1/2 years, in which I've lost almost everything? Not that I want to dwell on all that right now - I've done enough of that over the last week (a rough one at times). No, now I want to focus on the latest BS curveball that's been thrown at me - Brooke, my 2-year-old yorkie (she was my mom's actually) needs orthopedic surgery on her knee. The knee on her right rear leg keeps poppig out of the joint. It's an issue she had as a puppy, which we hoped she'd grow out of. She hasn't. Now, she runs with a little hitch in her step, and the doctor was able to just pop it in and out. She doesn't seem to be in much pain, but it is an issue nonetheless.

I feel for her, even as I have been wanting to wring her neck lately. Of the two dogs, she's had the roughest time adjusting since mom died. They were both in the room at the time, and were both rather subdued, but Cali seems to have largely bounced back. The first day after, when I let them into the room, they cried and whined, but Cali seems back in her (usual) mopey routine. Brooke is having barking fits again, and regressing by having accidents in the house. I try not to yell at her, but she pushes my buttons - she just doesn't listen. Part of it is her personality, and I guess part of it is the adjustment. Of course, I always thought she was a ghost whisperer - when she barks like she does, it's as if she sees something I don't. I always imagined that she would say, if she could, "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there!"

Anyway, the maniac (as her favorite dog sitter, Michelle likes to call her) might have the surgery on Friday, depending on the snow. Hopefully she won't have any complications. I really can't take another loss so soon. We lost our other yorkie, Kacy, just a few months after my dad died and I don't really need a case of deja-vu all over again.

Mom always felt, after Dad died, that just as soon as she thought she could pick herself up, she got knocked down again, and I know how she felt. I've felt it too, and I feel it again - do I really need to deal with this right now?

I wonder if they have doggy PT? =)

http://www.woofagainstcancer.com/

Edible Emergency?

OK, I admit my tolerance level is pretty low right now, but if one more person says "We'll be there between x and y," and they don't arrive until  z, I may hurt someone. Today's offender - Edible Arrangements. After a back and forth of phone calls to tell me they'd be here between 12 and 2 (after narrowing it down from 12-3), I get a call at 3, telling me they'd had an emergency. Really? A fruit basket emergency? Did the chocolate melt off one of the strawberries? Well, apparently it was an issue with the truck, and they assured me that they were on thir way to me "right now." Of course, they neglected to tell me they were coming from the frozen north, or something, because "right now" apparently meant "in an hour or so." They finally arrived at 4:15! My annoyance level was even higher as a car pulled into the driveway just as the delivery truck arrived - I was in no mood to entertain! Turns out, it was just my mom's friend, Bernie, bringing me some dinner (very sweet!). But, she was very emotional, and I couldn't really deal with that. She had to leave to go to work, so I could finally leave to make my much ballyhooed trip to Walmart.

Which brings me to the life lesson of the day - never, and I mean NEVER, go to Walmart on a holiday. WTF was I thinking? Oh, right - snow tomorrow (snow right now, actually) - the doggies need food. Circled forever to find parkin. I nearly threw down with the greeter over a shopping cart (they're never as nice as the commercials - "Can I help you? What I can do for you?" - yes, a direct quote from one commercial). I really shouldn't do things that try my patience when I don't have any. But, the dogs have food, and I have more plastic bins, and, well, who would have thought a trip to Walmart could be emotionally draining?

So, in sum, today was a day in which the petty annoyances got to me. The bright spot was a nice phone call with Annette, who has safely arrived back in Texas. Here's hoping there are no more edible emergencies!

Home Alone 2

So, I had been doing pretty well today, after surviving the night. But, as the evening wore on, things got tougher. Too much time to think. Thinking sucks. And the dogs that are supposed to be comforting me, have pushed my buttons all day. Brooke has barely stopped barking all day, nd won't listen. And Cali is doing her best Madame Mopey routine. I guess I should cut them some slack, but I don't have a high tolerance right now.

As the house grows quiet in the late evening, and there ae fewer distractions, I begin to realize that the only noise is coming from the room I'm in - because there is no one in any other room. And that's not how it should be. It makes me very conflicted as I wonder what I should do with the house. I mean, I plan to sell - tht was always the plan, and Keith and I are in agreement about that. But, when he suggested that we try to put it on the market in afew months, I couldn't handle that - even though I may be gone for several months in the fall due to the Fulbright teacher exchange I'm supposed to go on. The thought of not being able to come home to, well, home, scares me - even though home is empty now. At the same time, the longer we take to sell, the longer it will be before I can afford to buy myself an apartment in the city. And, if we wait until I get home from the Fulbright, that will be a whole year. And the house shouldn't really sit for so long.

I don't know - I know people would say I don't have to decide this right now - but, I feel like I have to decide everything at once. There's so much to do, and I feel like I can't put anything off. And, I don't know how much help I'll really get when it all fades from people's minds. Maybe that's not fair, but I feel like I have to do it all myself, and I don't know where to start.

I know one thing, though. Tomorrow I'm going out. Nothing fancy - just toWalmart to buy dog food and stuff. But, I need to get out into the "real" world for an hour or two. Maybe that distraction will carry me over through the quiet evening hours. We'll see . . .

First Night Alone

It's been some week. I hope that I have honored my mother's legacy with the wake and funeral. The weather did not cooperate, as we had a big snowstorm Wednesday. Mommy hated the snow. In a way, it worked out, because we had only the immediate family there, and we had an impromptu memorial service of our own. Big difference from Tuesday, which was wall-to-wall people. The line never ended. It meant the world to me to see my coleagues and students, but especially my students. They didn't have to come, but so many of them did. It's going to make it easier to go back to work when the time comes.

The funeral went well Thursday, even with some weather glitches, and Father Connolly not coming. Highlight was Vivi arriving from the Sudan, with her suitcase, in the middle of the mass, just as the nieces were reading the prayer of the faithful. It was a perfect moment. I was so happy she made it, even though she couldn't bring herself to read. I'm so grateful to Annette for staying with me throughout everything, too.

Last night Edna arranged a dinner at Sofrito for about 35 family members. It was a happy night - one mom would have loved. She would not want us mourning her death, she would want us celebrating life. And that's what we did.

Then there's tonight. It's my first night alone in the house since Mommy died. Annette, JR and Albert left today, and I'm on my own. It's not as if I haven't lived alone - it's the reason I'm alone that is weighing on me. Realizing she truly is gone. Knowing I have to find a way to continue on with my life without my best friend. It was a bit too much in the first hour or so, and I had to call Keith. He stayed on the phone with me and talked me through it. He surprises me sometimes with his insight and understanding. Maybe I haven't given my big brother enough credit in the past. I've been pretty good for the last few hours, and Annette called to check on me. Keith said he'd call before bed.

At least I have Cali and Brooke, my dogs, who are currently sleeping on me as I type this and watch the Olympics. I considered not watching, as that was something Mommy and I did together, but I realize that I can't start doing that - I owe Mommy more than that. I owe it to her, and Daddy, to live my lfe, and to try to enjoy those things I enjoyed in the past. My heart may not be totally in it, but I'm trying.

So, a few more hours and I'll have to try to go to sleep. Either that, or it's going to be a Dr. Who marathon with that new DVD I bought afer our London trip. Right now, I'd prefer sleep. Here's hoping . . .

Day One - The Day the World Stopped Turning

My name is Kristen. My mother passed away today at 4:45 PM. I promised her I would be all right, and through this blog, I hope to make that true. I don't what I will write, or where this will go, but it will be honest, and it will hopefuly be a a fitting tribute to the best person the world has ever seen.

I love you Mommy, and I always will. I'll never forget you, ever.