It's My Life

Anyone who knows me really well knows I’m a proponent of theme songs. I don’t mean, The A-Team or The Facts of Life. I mean personal theme songs. When I came back from Mexico after Daddy died, I chose Bon Jovi’s Who Says You Can’t Go Home. It was a perfect fit – I had returned to my childhood home, and I was teaching at my old high school and my old rink. I came home with a vengeance. In addition to being my theme song, it became my ringtone. But, after Mommy died, home wasn’t home anymore, and the song didn’t fit. I was in search of a new song, but couldn’t really come up with one – probably because I was in search of a great deal more.

So, I chose a temporary theme song, or rather I had one suggested to me, London Calling by The Clash. It was a good fit for the past year of living in London, but it could never be a permanent theme song. After all, I’m writing this on the plane as I move back to New York from London, so is it really calling anymore? I don’t know, London will probably always call to me, but that particular phase of my life is over, so it’s time for a new theme song.

I gave it a lot of thought during my soul-searching walks along the Thames. Truth be told, I gave a lot of things a lot of thought during those walks. As the months progressed and I began to gain confidence in my identity without Mom and Dad in my life, I knew I had to make some difficult and risky decisions. But. I knew life would not continue to move forward if I didn’t take those risks. After much deliberation, I decided not to return to my job at Ursuline for the coming school year. There are practical concerns that make it unfeasible to return to Ursuline. Now that I will be living in Manhattan, the commute by train would be just too difficult. And, it would be a ridiculous expense to try to keep a car just to commute to school. But, there is more to it than that. This year in London has given me the opportunity to move forward in my life, and returning to Ursuline would be a major step backward.

It wasn’t an easy decision. Like I said – risks. I’m going back to adjuncting because I want to focus more on my writing. And, that’s not just a hollow statement. If I’m going to make a go of it as a writer, I need to do it now. My focus has been dragged away by teaching and other concerns. My future is not in teaching, I know that. I’ve always known that. I like teaching, but I don’t identify myself as a teacher. I am a writer who teaches. And I’ll always teach in some form or another, I know that too. Like I said, I like it. But it’s not enough for me; I want more.

So, back to the choice of theme song – as I started making these decisions as I walked along the Thames, I realized that I was treading dangerous ground – giving up a secure job for the nebulous world of adjuncting (or academic temping, as I like to call it). But, I knew I had to make a quality of life decision – and spending 12-13 hours a day commuting and teaching, and then coming home and having to do more work for school in the evenings was not going to give me much quality of life. And it was not going to give me any writing time. I found myself reverting to my old identity – the one I had when Mom and Dad were alive. The one that always needed their approval because I was afraid of letting them down. Not that I made decisions for them, per se. When I left the Foreign Service to come home for Mom, it was my decision and not something she asked me to do. But, with every decision I’ve ever made, the first question I’ve always asked myself has been, “Will Mom and Dad approve?” To be honest, I do still wonder that, but not quite so actively. My decisions are for me – and if I make a mistake, I’m the one who will have to fix it. It’s my life.

And so, a theme song was born. I have to admit, Bon Jovi is a surprisingly rich source for theme songs. I didn’t intentionally search their discography for a new theme song. I was open to anything – any artist, any genre (well, almost). But, once again, it’s the perfect choice: “It’s my life, it’s now or never/I ain’t gonna live forever/I just want to live while I’m alive.” I have to live my life. I have to do what feels right to me, even if other people think it’s crazy or stupid. Life is fragile and we never know how much time we’re going to have. I’ve always believed in living life with no regrets. I can honestly say, I have no regrets about anything I’ve ever done. The only regrets I have are over things I haven’t done.

So, the plane lands in about 4 hours. In 4 hours, my new life starts. New apartment, new job(s), new lifestyle, new focus. It’s my life, and I’m going to live it.