There were so many titles I could have chosen for this entry. “Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell,” “Kiss My Ash,” I could go on. Actually, there’s a few people I’d like to tell to Kiss My Ash, but, as they are mostly under the age of 15, I’m going to err on the side of being a mature adult, who does not want to cause an international incident. Anyway, Ash Cloud 2011 still looms over Europe. It’s nothing near as bad as last year’s ash cloud, but it does highlight a number of non-ash related parallels to this time last year.
Last year’s eruption from the Whosamawhatsit volcano (it had a name that looked like someone just stroked their hand across the keyboard) came at time that I was just beginning to look ahead to a major change in my life. It was after Mommy died, and I had just gotten my Fulbright Exchange confirmed, and my focus was on the upcoming year, the move abroad, and the changes my life had undergone and would undergo. A year later, and I find myself in almost the exact same situation. I have just over two months to go in England, and my focus has shifted to the move back home, what I’m going to do next year, and how my life has changed and will change.
I’ve got some hard choices to make in the coming weeks, as I’ve come to realize that I can’t go back to things the way they once were. This year away has helped me to figure myself out (to an extent), and to know what I want out of life. I have taken significant steps forward in my personal and professional life, and I know that I need to avoid taking steps backward when I return to New York. But, just as the volcanic ash cloud hampers the visibility of what lies ahead for pilots or ship’s captains, so does the metaphorical ash cloud that hangs over my day-to-day life. I don’t know what awaits, and there’s no way of knowing if the decisions I am making will turn out to be disastrous, or if they’ll prove to have been inspired.
It’s a bit scary, actually. But, then, what hasn’t been scary? For someone as inherently insecure as me, I’ve taken a lot of risks in my life. Not jumping out of an airplane-type risks, but leaving a job that wasn’t working for me (more than once), moving to another country (more than once), sending out manuscripts and being rejected (so much more than once!). And, living my life without Mom and Dad.
That’s been the biggest risk, for me, and it has proven successful. Some people probably wouldn’t understand that as a risk, but then they don’t understand the relationship I had with Mom and Dad. When we lost Daddy, it was hard, but Mommy was still there, so life still mostly made sense. But, when we lost Mommy, nothing made sense. I’ve said it before – I didn’t know who I was without them. Now I do. A year in England has taught me who I am, and what I want, and has made me determined not to take the safe path
And, yes, that means more risks ahead. And, yes, maybe some big mistakes. But, they’re my mistakes to make. It’s my life to live. Over the past year or so, the mist that has clouded my path has swirled and eddied, sometimes rising, sometimes settling in so I can’t see my hand in front of my face. But, the sun is peeking through, and the path is becoming clearer. And, I’m really looking forward to seeing where it leads.
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