One Year

I can't actually believe it has been one year. One year ago today, I was certain my life was over. How was life supposed to continue without the most important person in the world? But, life did continue and here I am, one year later, in another country, living a new life. Coming to London was the best thing I could have done, really. I needed to figure out who I was as a person, without being "Haydee and Joe's daughter." I couldn't do that at home. I needed to be somewhere where no one knew me, so I could reinvent myself. And, I have reinvented myself to some extent. I mean, I'm still me - and it's crazy to think I'd change that significantly. But, I am fguring out how to go it alone, and how to be OK with that. It's not that I don't have low moments or like I don't feel lonely, because I definitely do. But, somehow, I'm finding the strength to keep going. Mommy always said "Adversity builds character," and I suppose over the years I built up the strength to deal with the worst life could throw at me. But there's something else too. Over the last year I've sometimes wondered why someone who has had the close relationship I had with my parents should lose them. Rather unfairly, I have found myself sometimes resenting people who still have their parents. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I expecially get annoyed when I hear about people not getting along with their parents, when I would love to just have a conversation with mine. Like I said, I know it's not fair to judge others' relationships with their parents, but what can I say? Sometimes I can't help it. Anyway, sometimes I find myself thinking that I was so close with my parents because I was destined to lose them too soon. As if I was storing up the love an happy memories to sustain me through the rest of my lie without them. And, in a weird way, if having them with me longer would have meant not being as close to them, I don't think I would have wanted that.

Anyway, it's been a hell of a year. So much has happened, and continues to happen. Keith and Angela have been through so much more this year too, but that seems to be getting a bit better. This is life, or "afterlife" I guess you could say. Figuring out who you are when the most important person in your world is gone. It's a work in progress, and I'm interested to see how it turns out.